Mike Rowe Files For Unemployment.

Throughout my life, I've had notoriously bad luck with girls, but I've also noticed that with each folly I've learned something important.

Case in point: Fooling around with a girl on a bus heading towards church camp...It's probably not the best idea you could have. If you live at home with your parents, maybe buy a lock.

But I've learned that no matter how good things are going one moment, theres always another side to that coin. And when that other face rears it's ugly head (or tails), you better be somewhat prepared.

Sure, one moment you're drunkenly having sex on a friends bathroom floor, and shes saying you feel like God, but in the next moment you find out that...shit, shes an atheist.

I always thought I would be able to shake off the constraints I have about girls. The thing is, as I get older, they only get worse. My wanton love love for movies, comic books, video games, science, comic books and desire to punch George Lucas in the throat for what he's doing to my child hood have pretty much solidified me into a specific group. An elite group, filled with the brightest, strongest...okay, well, nerds.

Need a reference from a 1980's comedy flick? My name is Zuul. Need a Simpsons quote at the drop of a hat? I'll qygibxo you good.

And I find it remarkable I've even had as much sex as I've had. But one thing thats always surprised me, is the ease with which other guys my age seem to have in getting women.

It's like during high school, one of the numerous times I ditched, that was the day they gathered up all the guys and told them what to do.

For the past few years, since The 40 Year Old Virgin, I've had friends who've watched that make the comparison between Andy, and I.

"How so?"

"Well you have little collectibles. How many movies do you have? Whens the last time you left your house for something besides work or grocery shopping?"

"Come on, that could be anyone."

"You definitely put the pussy on the pedestal."

And before I can stop myself, I find myself saying, "What does that even mean?"

So the past few months I've been working on it. It's been nearly a year since I've tested the waters, if you will. So I started thinking like a scientist. What am I doing wrong, here. What have I learned, what process should I be taking.

I have a friend who's a girl, very attractive...all of that. One of the coolest things about her is her mentality, when it comes to sex. She has the mentality, and I mean this in the most sincere and complimentary way, the mentality of a guy who is single, who used to be a frat boy quarterback, and now continuously is smooth with the opposite sex. And it astounds me to no end.

Her advice would be to simply sack up, and do it. Simple as that. Yet to me, it seems like Stevie Wonder has a better chance at sight than I do being able to ever just "do it."

But I've learned a lot from this girl. A lot that maybe I should have learned growing up, but was too busy debating music or Simpsons episodes. Truth is, I just don't have that "it". What ever "it" is, I lack it, and I wish there was some sort of diagram that led you to the promised land.

But what I've learned from her is valuable.

I've learned when I'm nervous, the part of my brain that normally would tell me to 'think' and 'edit' what I'm about to say completely shuts off.

It only took countless (debatable) faux pas about her ethnicity, pondering if I had too much clothing during a very heart-felt moment, accidentally suggesting mob-like brutality on her pet hermit crab, insinuating she was somehow 'over-the'hill' and continuously frustrating her to points of near mental breakdown to realize that: I don't know how to talk to women. I don't know anything about them. I know more about thermodynamics than I do about the workings of the girl psyche. And sadly, thats very, very true.

So I've begun to work on that. I began calculating all the information I'd learned from previous girls, and I realized I've learned quite a bit and didn't even notice. Kind of like in Hospitality class.

I've learned if a girl has a piercing below the equator...well, she's not the girl you want to introduce to your parents. I've learned that girls are excellent liars. They can tell you nothing is wrong with a smile on their face, and begin to hate your guts while you think everything is hunky-god-damned-dory.

I've learned that they are much...much smarter than men. They've learned, early on, while we were out doing 'manly things' like inventing the wheel, or fighting a war or purifying salt water that just like the President of the United States, while he is the face of government, that the true power lays deep....deep behind the mask.

I know when it happened, too. It was during one of those times menfolk thought they were out "shoe shopping", they were gathering together plotting and planning their next moves.

I might sound like a paranoid fool, but put it into perspective: Who really needs that many shoes. Look in a girls closet. Forty pairs of things they have never, ever worn. Thats forty meetings they had, talking about you.

What proof do I have? Simple.

Males have turned a peanut into butter, they've turned dinosaur grease into fuel, they've made it possible for 2000 tons of steel float on water. All commendable accomplishments...except men also will wear a pair of underwear until it's six threads and half a button left, as long as the elastic still...elastifies. While we were too lazy to get up, walk six feet and change a channel, women figured out the flaws in logic we have.

There is no cure for the common cold, but there is a pill to make an impotent man Ron Jeremy's stand in. Our priorities are skewed, and women realized this. We think with our "intuition".

I guarantee you a girl came up with the concept of a blow job. It's too simple for man to think of. I also bet a woman came up with the idea for GPS.

It went something like this: A girl didn't know what to get her man, because he's already got a remote and microwave. She knew what lengths men would go to for any kind of release.

I mean, masturbating? I've done my fair share of Assassinating JFK, but it recently struck me that if you have to use lotion to do it...it's something that shouldn't naturally happen.

And a girl realized this too, and she realized it during her monthlies.

A woman also got tired of a man not asking for directions, but realized his love of gadgetry. Garmin!

I've also learned girls also mean more than what they say. A whole...lot...more.

Whats on your mind? "Nothing". Lies, lies...lies. She's probably pissed, and she's probably pissed at you for not knowing.

It's like that saying, "Feed them shit and leave them in the dark."

Theres a reason why terms like "pussy-whipped" exist, and there really isn't much of a proper equivalent.

Ever run into a wild guy friend you had in high school, or college? Always drinking, partying, a million girls and always up for a good time. You run into him years later, and he's married with a kid and he's not at all like the person of old? Thats because of her. And I'm not saying thats a bad thing, sometimes that needs to happen.

But I've learned that girls won't tell you whats on your mind. Why? Why all these game playing? Well, it's because, knuckle-head, that she cares about you a lot at the moment in time and you should recognize that. How do I figure? Because YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THE PRESSURES SHE GOES THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS, and when it gets to the point where all she does is want to shut up about it and not have to consume another portion of her life, then you should shut up and probably buy her something like flowers. Immediately, if not sooner.

For the love of God, don't press the issue. She'll come to you when shes ready to talk about something.

But I've also learned that girls will harbor resentment until the end of time. You could date a girl, piss her off and not realize it, break up with her and think thats it. Guess what? She still hates your guts, she still tells all her friends and THEY hate your guts.

If you fuck up badly enough with a girl, and you don't rectify the situation...you might as well move to the next city over, because that pool is no longer willing to let you swim in it.

Some girls just aren't worth your time, my God there are others so much better than the one who you think, not know, but think is the only one. You want what you can't have, like a baby only wants it's ball when it's taken away.

Every girl, even your little love dumpling, wants to fuck Josh Hartnett. Theres nothing you can do about it besides rent "Lucky Number Slevin" or "Pearl Harbor" and hope for the best.

She's never that drunk.

You're never that good.

She's never, ever unprepared for dire situations.

You'd better get prepared.

If she's a little bit young, it might seem fun...but it is not worth the hassle. Trust me.

She's had her fair share of discretionary events. Unlike you, however, not everyone knows.

Never, ever call her the name of an ex-girlfriend during an intimate exchange and expect that relationship to last.

She has just the same right to have sex with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. Get past that if she's with you. If she weren't interested, she'd still be looking for her panties on the dorm lawn. And no, it isn't settling if she chooses to stay with you...just shut up.

Just shut up.

You think you're right?

Shut up.

And most importantly...listen to her.

Confidence will get you places. Like they say in Hollywood, fake it til you make it.

Unfortunately, I'm not good enough to follow my own advice.


Nellslilzer said...

I just left a longer comment and it erased it self when I had to sign up for this to leave you a comment! now im just sad..

something along the lines of..
you'll never figure us out, bwa ha ha.. no really, women are crazy, emo, and undecisive for the most part.. you're right on the "im FINE" issue tho, haha... :(

I to have ninja turtles hangin in my household, just lucky my sons room seems to be fitting, but all in all, they're MINE!

The Emperor said...

I have learned the hard way that the thirty seconds you forgot about three years ago burns like Hiroshima behind those pretty eyes. Guys are dumb, girls are crazy. If you can figure out how to work those two together, you're golden.

Velvet said...

Where to begin? I love you for paying attention. For learning lessons. For not being afraid to reach some uncomfortable conclusions. But...I'm still not letting you pet sit for my animals. Poor Handy...haha. :-P

Velvet said...

PS--you're not good enough? Bullshit. Knock that off!

Brownakin Skywalker said...

Well, so far you've been right in predicting my relationships, so at this point I've taken to listening to you. This is some solid advice that should be passed on from generation to generation.

Also, I too put the pussy on a pedestal.. and I mean, look at what I got when I didn't?

we're not going down that road again.