19.11.08

Declaration of Dependence

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The past few weeks in my life have been somewhat dominated by lengthy sessions of soul searching. The topics of the future, where I fit into relationships in my life, how people fit into relationships in my life, mental stability, etc.

I've never been a very open person with what I'm personally going through. It's all about comfort, and I don't think, in my entire life, I'd ever felt comfortable...

Until about a year ago.

2007 was, in retrospect, was a chaotic and confusing time...but it may've been the best year I've lived through.

I'd felt I'd found the person I'd want to go the distance with in 2005. A few days after my birthday, however, that all came crashing down. And I know, wah wah. Same old story with a slightly different tune.

But it's funny how things that happened in the past drastically alter your course in life. When she left, it hurt like hell. Absolute hell, and thats a story so many people go through. He left, she left, and it's weird. They still are in same town, so what did they actually leave?

A hole in your heart where the blood ran out, to quote AFI.

The beginning of 2007 saw me boarding a plane to California to get away for a little bit. Working a job that truly had no pertinence to humanity ("Data gathering", aka phone surveys. Yeah, boo hiss--I'm sorry I was part of that, but money is money).

I met some new friends, some that to this day are some of the closest I could ever have. And it takes times like those to put everything else into perspective, where you can just stand outside the ring of fire and see whats being burned, whats burnt, and what can still be salvaged.

Returning back to Arizona after this trip, I felt like I couldn't continue on. Three months later, I was on a plane to Albany, New York with everything I owned in four suitcases.

A few months later my father was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and it was time to come home.

When I came back, it was really hard for me to have any connection with anyone anymore. A lot of people who'd I'd considered life-long friends...well, unfortunately the expiration date had come on that.

But I'd been lucky enough to strengthen a bond with someone who'd, in a million years, I would have never been able to say, "This person won't shape my life. She will shape, and change it."

Everything about her screams at you to take notice. Every part of her is charismatic. Her trials and tribulations haven't crippled her, they've made her stronger, and to me thats certainly more than commendable. It's god damned inspirational.

My family life, outside of my step-father, isn't one of cohesion. My mother and I butt heads constantly, and I honestly feel little to no connection to her. As a result, while I'm not an emotionally void person...I'm a better listener than I am a sharing person. It's so hard for me to fully trust someone, because it's never really panned out for me. I know it's the same for so many people, and thats one of the biggest reasons for all the misery and sorrow in the world.

But it's arbitrary. These feelings aren't singular, and I don't feel like I'm alone in feeling this way, I don't want that to be the tone you might get from this.

But for me, it's gotten to the point where sometimes it honestly feels like make or break. I've watched my mother for the past 23 years slip further from sanity, and I can't help but think thats whats in store for me. The future scares the shit out of me.

So much so that it's begun to paralyze the present, which will most likely if continued, affect the future. The same future I've been scared of since day one. Irony is a bitch mistress.

And I've never been able to fully digest things happening with me. I threw myself deeper into writing, into music, into movies and comic books and friends dilemmas.

It's so weird, the role that women play in mens lives. Why? They are only human, they aren't Jesus Christ, they weren't devised to be a savior. They aren't the reason for the problems in the world, or anything like that. But for some reason, that link towards women, the draw and the need, and the pining...thats the most universal language. Theres not one being on this planet that is impervious to the devastation of destination heartbreak. I defy anyone to not have at least one scar from the wars waged in love and loss.

So it happens, and you feel is emptiness. A void, because you never once realized how truly worthless you were until that moment of vindication you had became absent.

And for me, I've never been able to open myself up completely. To ever face what I've personally faced again, I don't know if I have it in me to kick out one more time. For so long I've felt that I wouldn't ever be able to be that person who could actually say what was really on their mind, and not face immediate retribution, and thats such an awkward place to be in.

I truly believe the reason why so many people face the same road blocks in their lives is because they don't have that missing piece to the puzzle, or at least an extra leg to help them walk on. I'd always felt that way...

Until now.

I'm not a needy person, I don't constantly have to spew what I wish to eschew. What chews constantly, I'm not that guy and I never will be. But everyone wants something behind them, just in case. And until now, I'd never been able to accept that help because It'd always felt that accepting help meant accepting defeat in the same breath. And it's not that I'm overtly proud; I just don't want to inconvenience anyone. Everyone else has their own problems, and knowing me doesn't signify to me that they've signed up to shoulder my burdens as well.

But with her, oh my God...it never has felt like that. Theres a transition we all make, and for most it's so subtle you never realize it's happened. You may never, either. I might never have, either, until recently.

All it takes is for you to believe in someone, and for them to believe in you too. It's so hard to have faith in a person, and I think thats where faith in God comes into play. What you can't see, feel, touch or hold can't ever really let you down, can it?

But to roll that dice...theres such odds that it will come up snake eyes. But with her, it's never even been a thought. It's never been something I've questioned. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I have faith.

I think the world of her. And while I make a lot of stupid mistakes that drive her crazy, she's still there. I know deep in my heart I'd easily go to war for her. I love her with every ounce I can muster, and then some.

And to her I say thanks. I never want anyone I know to feel like I take our time together for granted. I've seen just how frail humanity can be, and I've seen how quickly things can change. And I know entirely, that whatever may come and whatever the future may hold for our friendship--good or bad, I've never been more lucky to've known someone. To be a minute pixilation in a picture in her life is better than merely observing the work in progress in passing.

For her, I'd weather whatever may come. It's a bit scary, but not in a negative way. Like riding the fastest roller coaster, and thats the best definition for how it is knowing her.

Her travels, her talents, her ambitions. Her way of handling the things that most people don't have the strength to even fathom, her humor and her intelligence...her wit, her observations and wisdom are astounding and awe-inspiring.

Where I was a year ago, I'd never have thought I'd be able to just look back at it and shrug. I'd never thought it'd no longer eat at me every moment. Now I'm grateful for it, more than any words could ever describe, because they've allowed me to see past the breakers and realize..."life's been good".

Thank you. God knows I'm fucked without you.

6 comments:

The Emperor said...

feelings are for poor people, hippies and communists.

Velvet said...

yep. feelings are for poor people. and e-zines are for assholes. word.

Velvet said...

So anyway, The Emperor's comment aside, I have two things to say:

They say I'm crazy, but I have a good time...

And...you're welcome. YOU are the one who deserves the thanks. And I am going to keep telling you that until you believe it.

Love.

Brownakin Skywalker said...

Aaron,... I never knew you felt this way about me! I'm shocked!

In all seriousness though, this is another instance where our lives kind of bare resemblance to each other. You speak of having faith in other people to share with, your every fear and aspiration. I feel the same way about my friends. One of which you spoke to yesterday. Without them, I don't know what would have become of me today, as they've essentially shaped me into the person I am today as opposed to the person I was in high school.

I'm liking this trend of personal entries. Every now and again it's good to expel demons.

Eazy D said...

every time i read your shit i think it cant get any gayer but everytime you prove me wrong. didnt you hear, crying emo cunts arent cool anymore. grow some fuckin balls you fat loser.

Bonus Cupped said...

Is the "fuck only knows what i'd do without you" bit meant to be read to the tune of the famous Beach Boys song? I hope so.