Israel, can you please calm the fuck down? I mean, my God whats next? Interment camps? Maybe, and this might not be such a bad fucking idea, but maybe you might want to look into acid showers and opening back up the gates of Auschwitz and really teach those god damned dirty Palestinians a thing or two.
The title of "God's Chosen People" can only go so fucking far, because to be quite honest I don't see God around anywhere with a generals helmet on leading tanks into war.
America might pull some fancy, cutesy bullshit once and a while when we dip into the Middle East, but you sit right in the middle of it all and constantly poke and prod. And I get that you're a people that have been through thousands of years of suffering, but do you even realize that you are slowly turning into the Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold of the World Stage? I'm half expecting you to stroll down the Gaza Strip in Trench Coats reciting some real Old Testament judgment (you know, the kind where God smote people for taking dumps and not lighting a scented candle afterwards.) Oh wait....you already are.
What makes your plight any different than that of Africa's, of the Irish, of the Native American's or every Gandhi-esque figure that ate the butt of a riffle because they wanted freedom? A wall and some Dead Sea scrolls?
Your actions with bombing Lebanese civilians to retaliate against their troops is nothing short of Hitler instituting the Holocaust. But now with the Palestinians over what? Because they want some land that is rightfully theirs, yet you feel is due to you because your God promised it? Guess what? You share the same God.
Maybe God's been two timing you both. I've seen it a hundred times. Maybe God's a player. "Sure baby, your my only one and I've promised this land for ya. Who loves you the most?" He just gave you both different names...but it's the same guy.
Palestinians know him as Allah, Jews might know him as Yahweh...we American's simply know him as the dude that lets our favorite football team win the Superbowl.
So maybe God's a player and never expected you two to be in the same room. And by golly, it surely is a bit awkward now, but trust me baby, he loves you the most.
The blame lies here solely with Israel, and it pains me to say that to an extent, but theres only so much bullshit one can absorb before you have to hold the incompetent on trial for their transgressions. Theres no need, in this modern world and society for a need to be a Zionist. There simply isn't. We've progressed to the point where we don't have to rely on trading sheep and cattle for the neighbors virgin daughter. We have e-harmony and MySpace now, so...you know...it's okay to step into the modern world, if only for a minute.
Theres always going to be aged people who are book smart, but do not know their pinkies from their dicks, and for the past eight years thats really been an indicative statement of America. But now I have to wonder if the rest of the world will hold Israel in just as much equal contempt as we've felt for our transgressions now that they are instituting "guerrilla warfare" and civilian hand-to-hand combat.
If it takes the rest of the modern world shunning and ostracizing Israel until they fuck right off about the Gaza Strip, and remove the collective holy sticks from their asses and realize that what they are doing is no different than what they suffered through during Egypt, Rome and Nazi Germany's Third Reich, then so be it.
This isn't a slight against Jewish people whatsoever, either. The truth of the matter though, is that each and every single gathering of people be it; Southerners, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, Asians, Irish, Russians...what the shit ever, it's always the minority of morons that think they know whats best for everyone else.
But this, coupled with America's involvement in the Middle East these past few years...I just don't see how the addition of our "most trusted Allies" jumping on the wagon of pummeling those dirty, dirty non-believers is not going to result in World War Three with an A-Bomb the size of Texas not being dropped on either one, or both of us.
Calm. The. Fuck. Down.
If you wanna measure dicks, make it a side bet during some other pissing contest over the Wailing Wall or something. But innocent people are suffering because your pimp God spoke to you louder.
6.1.09
31.12.08
I'm an escape artist, not a fucking lumberjack.
It's the end of the world, and everyone is invited, like it or not.
This is the final Piss and Vinegar of 2008. From Max Bemis to Jesse Jackson to Fat Mike to the world at large, so many things were covered in such a short amount of time.
This blog carried a lot of controversy with it, and I'm sure 2009 will have it's own fair share. My only resolution is to update more, and finish writing this book which is so close, I can taste it.
Be safe everyone, and if you're gonna drink...do it somewhere where you can spend the night. No one wants to start off the New Year dead. Unless you're suicidal...then I stand corrected.
In keeping with the theme of how this year has been nothing but a shit salad, all my plans have fallen through. This always seems to happen to me.
I escaped this year. I lost a lot of people along the way, I made some great friends though, as well.
I've seen what I want to do, and where I want to be by this time next year. I want to work even harder to become everything I aspire for, or at least die trying.
I escaped this year, even when at times I truly didn't want to get back up. I didn't do it alone, either. Thank you to everyone who was there for me when times weren't so great.
I don't know one person who had a great year, and I for one am quite happy to see it go. I have a lot of high hopes for the next year; I'm hoping you do to.
We could all use a win at this point, I think. And I feel like the foundations are coming into place. So make the best of it guys, and drink away the shitty year of 2008. Come tomorrow you get to start it all over again. Hoorah!
So here we go!
Armageddon-outta-here, 2009 and beyond!
-Aaron Hale.
This is the final Piss and Vinegar of 2008. From Max Bemis to Jesse Jackson to Fat Mike to the world at large, so many things were covered in such a short amount of time.
This blog carried a lot of controversy with it, and I'm sure 2009 will have it's own fair share. My only resolution is to update more, and finish writing this book which is so close, I can taste it.
Be safe everyone, and if you're gonna drink...do it somewhere where you can spend the night. No one wants to start off the New Year dead. Unless you're suicidal...then I stand corrected.
In keeping with the theme of how this year has been nothing but a shit salad, all my plans have fallen through. This always seems to happen to me.
I escaped this year. I lost a lot of people along the way, I made some great friends though, as well.
I've seen what I want to do, and where I want to be by this time next year. I want to work even harder to become everything I aspire for, or at least die trying.
I escaped this year, even when at times I truly didn't want to get back up. I didn't do it alone, either. Thank you to everyone who was there for me when times weren't so great.
I don't know one person who had a great year, and I for one am quite happy to see it go. I have a lot of high hopes for the next year; I'm hoping you do to.
We could all use a win at this point, I think. And I feel like the foundations are coming into place. So make the best of it guys, and drink away the shitty year of 2008. Come tomorrow you get to start it all over again. Hoorah!
So here we go!
Armageddon-outta-here, 2009 and beyond!
-Aaron Hale.
13.12.08
Declining to Deploy Troops to Wally World.
Welcome to one of the greatest obstacles most of us 20 to 35 somethings have ever faced.
Around each corner, the businesses we placed our our deferential faith in are now putting up foreclosure signs.
All our lives, we've been trained to place our faith in banks. Save up. Get two credit cards, build your credit, have a savings account and checking account. Plastic above paper, paper above something tangible.
What a lot of people don't realize is that part of the reason why America, and other Western Nations are now falling on hard times, is because theres no tangible asset or backing to our capital.
At some point we stopped backing our capital with gold, for hopes and dreams in a stock market. My question is...where is the actual, factual, tangible cold hard backing?
What bothers me, or rather I should say, what terrifies me is that people have begun to say that in the history books people would look back and revere George W. Bush as a decent leader who made unpopular decisions that eventually paid off.
How could anyone actually believe that? His first year in office, he spent six months of those at his fucking ranch.
Thats like showing up to your new job, even at KFC, and you show up for the first 8 days and just kind of coast. You then take 8 days off in a row. Guess what, theres someone else who needs that money, and doesn't mind coming in for an extra shift to batter chicken or make mashed potatoes for 8.25 an hour.
Maybe we should about the Chicagoian Politician's way of doing business; if we get an iffy-leader...auction that shit off on E-bay.
But I propose a question to anyone who reads this blog:
When you see these mega-corporations now closing down shop, every single AIG, Sally Mae, Washington Mutual, GMC and Ford...when you see them shutting down shop, is this necessarily a bad thing?
America, and the Western World as a whole, was built on the broken backs of the little man. It took one guy with a little bit more of the green stuff in his pocket to buy them out to start an empire.
But if all these countries were built on the backs of the little man, where are we to feel inclined to feel sorry for any of these companies?
America is flushing money down the drain in several conflicts. Without even commenting on that, it's almost impossible no matter what side of the fence you're sitting on to deny that the actual fighting, and tactical combat...has been horribly mismanaged. Does Petrayus even know his dick from his four stars?
We live in a time when we have, at our disposal, means of 'deterring' combatants without shedding blood. Don't tell me that them there rag-heads are somehow immune to riot squad procedures. Tear-gas stops pretty much anyone in their tracks. Drop a few of those in a particularly heated area, some concussion grenades and have some green berets go in there and handcuff every person with a rock (or higher)near their hands. Round 'em up, put 'em to trial and let Iraq become whatever it's going to become on it's own.
Same with Afghanistan. Gas every crevice thats even two inches deep. Whatever crawls out goes straight to the huskow.
I'm not a proprietor of war, but I'm not a merchant of death either. While I feel little remorse for those who continually strap bombs to their chests, use woman and children as shields, and pervert a universally acknowledged religion of peace...I also believe in Democracy. Everyone, no matter whom, if captured, is deserving of a fair trial. Take that for what it is.
But what do these wars have to do with the current situation of our collective economies? Simple: Thats where the funds are going.
These same corporations now coming to Washington, D.C with their hands out to beg for bailouts so they don't go bankrupt...are the same companies that helped back these confrontations, instead of going through the UN.
The Government is a sticky wicket. While they felt they were above God, and the UN and surpassed it, if you're skin is brown and you have any kind of accent and you came into this same country without going through the "proper channels"...you're ass will be deported, no questions asked. Good fucking bye, Pablo.
People want to rally against immigration. "Those spics are taking our jobs." Word?
Whens the last time you saw a nationally born American, with a doctorates in medicine, complaining about an illegal taking his job behind the scalpel? You haven't.
Truth is, the jobs they are taking are the ones we spoiled motherfuckers refuse to take. Johnny Redbloodedcitizen didn't want to show up to KFC, but heres a guy who doesn't grasp English as well, but who's willing to work 12 hour shifts without a break without over time. It's nothing short of what America was built upon all these years ago.
Is it necessarily a bad thing is GMC goes bankrupt? Nope.
The one thing I feel is good about socialism is the theory that people needn't make more than 200,000 a year. At what point do you need to make more than that? You can only have so many creature comforts.
But when your net worth is 30 million dollars...you don't have to work another second in your life.
These car companies screwed themselves, and now complaining about the STD's.
A bailout won't be the penicillin.
The people to blame aren't the people losing their jobs. The people to blame are the same ones begging for a handout while flying private jets.
Private jets? Fuck off. You think you've got it tough when you're flying a private fucking jet?
Having it tough is a mother with three kids, and a dad in jail for the next 25 years on Grand Theft Auto, and she's working three jobs and sucking truck drivers dicks for bus fare and baby formula.
Theres no circulation in the country where the big auto companies are trying to rake in the money.
Unfair lending practices, check.
Outsourcing their jobs to countries where they pay the workers ten dollars a week, check.
Terminating hundreds of thousands of jobs, helping deprive the country of the circulation of money, check.
Now they've all collectively gathered their mooching sacks (only the medium sized ones) and come a'knocking.
Theres only two ways that this can go. If they are allowed this bailout, we're fucked. Every person they've fired thats now losing their homes now has to dig in their empty pockets and start paying for these assholes affronts.
Or, God really forbid this...that Uncle Sam goes to Kinko's and prints up some Jacksons.
Why is that a bad thing? Seems simple enough...
Well, I have a few records that are quite coveted. Part of the reason why they are coveted is because they are rare. In fact...that's basically the only reason why. There is a limited amount of them.
Think back to history class. You might have to cut through some pot-stained and whiskey drowned memories, but think back to countries that felt printing money would make the issues go away to pay off the debt. It dropped it down to nil. People burned their money to stay warm. Hence, "money to burn".
Thats whats going to happen. I feel its better to say fuck you to these companies that've been sucking the teat of all of us dry, and let them fucking eat shit with the rest of us.
I truly feel if that happened, the modern man will sack up and begin working again. Who doesn't love shopping at a mom and pops? The money is in the community, theres a job there...there is honesty in a very ugly place.
It sucks right now, but if people thought outside the box...
Man, fuck it. We're gonna be in debt anyways. Why not eat it a little bit more, and go to college and chase the dreams we were always told we unsafe, or silly.
Because right now, from the bottom looking up and seeing those high rises being foreclosed...all those safety nets are breaking, all those sure bets are coming up snake eyes.
If you're going to be in debt 30 thousand dollars in times like these, whats another 20? In rational thinking, if you wanted to be a nurse but became a real estate agent...well, houses bottom out: People never stop getting sick.
These corporations want to sink their claws into us. After so many years of saying oil is running out and we had to charge 4.50 a fucking gallon, all of a sudden people stopped driving Hummers and started driving Huffey's. God bless the silent revolution that took place.
But now gas is 1.55 again. People are feeling better about filling up, and the initial reaction is to take advantage of the low prices.
Sooner or later, it's gonna start inching it's way back up. 2.00? Fuck, at least its not as bad as the summer of 2008.
Gotcha bitch!
Cheer for the underdog. Support the little guy, and it's gonna turn around and help you when it's time for you to ask for help.
Around each corner, the businesses we placed our our deferential faith in are now putting up foreclosure signs.
All our lives, we've been trained to place our faith in banks. Save up. Get two credit cards, build your credit, have a savings account and checking account. Plastic above paper, paper above something tangible.
What a lot of people don't realize is that part of the reason why America, and other Western Nations are now falling on hard times, is because theres no tangible asset or backing to our capital.
At some point we stopped backing our capital with gold, for hopes and dreams in a stock market. My question is...where is the actual, factual, tangible cold hard backing?
What bothers me, or rather I should say, what terrifies me is that people have begun to say that in the history books people would look back and revere George W. Bush as a decent leader who made unpopular decisions that eventually paid off.
How could anyone actually believe that? His first year in office, he spent six months of those at his fucking ranch.
Thats like showing up to your new job, even at KFC, and you show up for the first 8 days and just kind of coast. You then take 8 days off in a row. Guess what, theres someone else who needs that money, and doesn't mind coming in for an extra shift to batter chicken or make mashed potatoes for 8.25 an hour.
Maybe we should about the Chicagoian Politician's way of doing business; if we get an iffy-leader...auction that shit off on E-bay.
But I propose a question to anyone who reads this blog:
When you see these mega-corporations now closing down shop, every single AIG, Sally Mae, Washington Mutual, GMC and Ford...when you see them shutting down shop, is this necessarily a bad thing?
America, and the Western World as a whole, was built on the broken backs of the little man. It took one guy with a little bit more of the green stuff in his pocket to buy them out to start an empire.
But if all these countries were built on the backs of the little man, where are we to feel inclined to feel sorry for any of these companies?
America is flushing money down the drain in several conflicts. Without even commenting on that, it's almost impossible no matter what side of the fence you're sitting on to deny that the actual fighting, and tactical combat...has been horribly mismanaged. Does Petrayus even know his dick from his four stars?
We live in a time when we have, at our disposal, means of 'deterring' combatants without shedding blood. Don't tell me that them there rag-heads are somehow immune to riot squad procedures. Tear-gas stops pretty much anyone in their tracks. Drop a few of those in a particularly heated area, some concussion grenades and have some green berets go in there and handcuff every person with a rock (or higher)near their hands. Round 'em up, put 'em to trial and let Iraq become whatever it's going to become on it's own.
Same with Afghanistan. Gas every crevice thats even two inches deep. Whatever crawls out goes straight to the huskow.
I'm not a proprietor of war, but I'm not a merchant of death either. While I feel little remorse for those who continually strap bombs to their chests, use woman and children as shields, and pervert a universally acknowledged religion of peace...I also believe in Democracy. Everyone, no matter whom, if captured, is deserving of a fair trial. Take that for what it is.
But what do these wars have to do with the current situation of our collective economies? Simple: Thats where the funds are going.
These same corporations now coming to Washington, D.C with their hands out to beg for bailouts so they don't go bankrupt...are the same companies that helped back these confrontations, instead of going through the UN.
The Government is a sticky wicket. While they felt they were above God, and the UN and surpassed it, if you're skin is brown and you have any kind of accent and you came into this same country without going through the "proper channels"...you're ass will be deported, no questions asked. Good fucking bye, Pablo.
People want to rally against immigration. "Those spics are taking our jobs." Word?
Whens the last time you saw a nationally born American, with a doctorates in medicine, complaining about an illegal taking his job behind the scalpel? You haven't.
Truth is, the jobs they are taking are the ones we spoiled motherfuckers refuse to take. Johnny Redbloodedcitizen didn't want to show up to KFC, but heres a guy who doesn't grasp English as well, but who's willing to work 12 hour shifts without a break without over time. It's nothing short of what America was built upon all these years ago.
Is it necessarily a bad thing is GMC goes bankrupt? Nope.
The one thing I feel is good about socialism is the theory that people needn't make more than 200,000 a year. At what point do you need to make more than that? You can only have so many creature comforts.
But when your net worth is 30 million dollars...you don't have to work another second in your life.
These car companies screwed themselves, and now complaining about the STD's.
A bailout won't be the penicillin.
The people to blame aren't the people losing their jobs. The people to blame are the same ones begging for a handout while flying private jets.
Private jets? Fuck off. You think you've got it tough when you're flying a private fucking jet?
Having it tough is a mother with three kids, and a dad in jail for the next 25 years on Grand Theft Auto, and she's working three jobs and sucking truck drivers dicks for bus fare and baby formula.
Theres no circulation in the country where the big auto companies are trying to rake in the money.
Unfair lending practices, check.
Outsourcing their jobs to countries where they pay the workers ten dollars a week, check.
Terminating hundreds of thousands of jobs, helping deprive the country of the circulation of money, check.
Now they've all collectively gathered their mooching sacks (only the medium sized ones) and come a'knocking.
Theres only two ways that this can go. If they are allowed this bailout, we're fucked. Every person they've fired thats now losing their homes now has to dig in their empty pockets and start paying for these assholes affronts.
Or, God really forbid this...that Uncle Sam goes to Kinko's and prints up some Jacksons.
Why is that a bad thing? Seems simple enough...
Well, I have a few records that are quite coveted. Part of the reason why they are coveted is because they are rare. In fact...that's basically the only reason why. There is a limited amount of them.
Think back to history class. You might have to cut through some pot-stained and whiskey drowned memories, but think back to countries that felt printing money would make the issues go away to pay off the debt. It dropped it down to nil. People burned their money to stay warm. Hence, "money to burn".
Thats whats going to happen. I feel its better to say fuck you to these companies that've been sucking the teat of all of us dry, and let them fucking eat shit with the rest of us.
I truly feel if that happened, the modern man will sack up and begin working again. Who doesn't love shopping at a mom and pops? The money is in the community, theres a job there...there is honesty in a very ugly place.
It sucks right now, but if people thought outside the box...
Man, fuck it. We're gonna be in debt anyways. Why not eat it a little bit more, and go to college and chase the dreams we were always told we unsafe, or silly.
Because right now, from the bottom looking up and seeing those high rises being foreclosed...all those safety nets are breaking, all those sure bets are coming up snake eyes.
If you're going to be in debt 30 thousand dollars in times like these, whats another 20? In rational thinking, if you wanted to be a nurse but became a real estate agent...well, houses bottom out: People never stop getting sick.
These corporations want to sink their claws into us. After so many years of saying oil is running out and we had to charge 4.50 a fucking gallon, all of a sudden people stopped driving Hummers and started driving Huffey's. God bless the silent revolution that took place.
But now gas is 1.55 again. People are feeling better about filling up, and the initial reaction is to take advantage of the low prices.
Sooner or later, it's gonna start inching it's way back up. 2.00? Fuck, at least its not as bad as the summer of 2008.
Gotcha bitch!
Cheer for the underdog. Support the little guy, and it's gonna turn around and help you when it's time for you to ask for help.
8.12.08
Time Machines and Iron Lungs.
One thing I've noticed in my years of dating, and observing (not in a pants around the ankles, in a bush outside her house kinda way) girls time I've noticed...it's pretty hard to really know who it is you're dating.
Now, I don't have a very close relationship with my mother, but one of the most important pieces of advice I've ever received from anyone came from her: Never date a girl you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
And that most definitely applies to girls dating guys, too, I'm sure.
But a huge problem with why relationships fail, with why so many marriages fail is obvious: theres a breakdown in communication.
Things get rushed for numerous reasons. For example, America still tries to hold tight to its Puritanical roots. Everywhere you look; TV, Movies, Books, Advertisements, the Government, Churches, Parents, Friends and family all seem to be pressuring you to get married. Get married, settle down and have some kids.
It's subtle, but when you think about it...its actually pretty staggering.
Here, how many times have you heard this when you were a child from your parents, "Just wait til you have kids of your own," or, "I hope you have a child like you," and of course, "One day when your married you'll understand..."
How many Zales/Kay commercials have you seen, especially now during the Holidays til roughly February 15th. "Every kiss begins with K", "No you've got a friend in the diamond business."
Every bit of that is subtle pressure. But when you get older, you begin to feel that slightly more aggressive pinch when all your pals start growing up and settling down.
It's a proven fact that when something is rushed, the outcome will most likely not be savory, satisfactory or it might not even survive.
You give into all these pressures to alleviate the tension, and in the end it becomes a life suck. You have years of your youth sucked away, not to mention theirs.
And so much of this stems from dating someone without thinking about whom it is your crawling into bed with. But the thing is...so often it's nearly goddamned impossible to even figure out who it is sleeping next to you. You can live with someone for three years, and not know important, vital information of them.
It's because we don't know how to ask, and we don't know how to observe. Most importantly...we've lost the ability to communicate. To verbalize the internal structures of our insides. Why? So many of us have been hurt before. Everyone inevitably becomes, in some form or another, a type of 'damaged goods'. And that sucks, but life's fucked up. That just happens.
But it can cause division, when really all that person (or you) needs an adhesive.
Now granted, thats a hard concept to grasp. But it stems from responsibility, and unfortunately...most of this new generation has no fucking clue what that means. I'd like to say it isn't our fault. I'd like to place the blame on people, I'd like to place the blame on society...but the truth is, if any blame can be exchanged, if any buck can be passed then you first have to recognize that there is a problem.
And when you recognize there is a problem, you have to realize that you are continuing it. Future generations will judge us by how we dealt with the smallest of details. It's the Devil in detail will damn your soul when the final product is set.
But it's ingrained in us now to go with our knee-jerk reactions. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions. We raise a generation of kids who come from broken homes, and refuse to punish them for their transgressions.
Some of these seems so audacious that it couldn't possibly be true. Case in point, parents are suing a school because their children are sending each other nude photos.
Thats not even something I can wrap my head around.
And I truly believe it's because we succumb to the pressure, we refuse to stand up and take the responsibility...we refuse to communicate because "talky is hard. me no do so well." Fucking nations of imbeciles running wild at this point. Absolute imbeciles who think that going green is a sanctimonious action. This isn't just centralized to America, either.
I don't think teacher should be allowed to institute capital punishment. I feel thats at the parents sole discretion, and I believe the parent should have a right to discipline a child. The thing is, there isn't a fine line between discipline and abuse: Discipline is done with love to help correct an issue; abuse is when there is malice and intent to hurt a child.
But given that, teachers are the medium for parents. Teachers roles in society are wholly important, as they are expected to not only educate but instill a modicum of discipline and morality in a student.
They shouldn't be allowed to spank a child, no, but when a child acts out theres definitely a few problems: home life could not be so great, emotionally unstable, etc. However, kids do make mistakes.
But while American parents are trying to hold schools responsible for their children's need to act out in a sexual manner because thats what their swamped with all around. Look at Miley Cyrus. The little slut has been busted on NUMEROUS occasions for pushing the bounds of decency. And her "father" just allows it, because this harlot in training is bringing him money.
Why aren't Americans suing Miley Cyrus then? If we're going to be that outlandish, why aren't the guns pointed in her whorish direction? Shit, we used to burn chicks at the stake just in case they used a broom for anything other than sweeping.
But before we can necessarily scoff at America's practice, the rest of the world fails as well. Take ol' Mother Britain, for instance. A teacher sat his students down, and came up with an ingenious form of discipline for being tardy: push ups.
Push ups. Probably the healthiest thing in the world. It's something you can take with a grain of salt and humility, as well. It's kind of funny, but theres nothing malicious about this...in theory.
But British parents said, "Oi, fuck you prick! No ones going to punish my sweet lass/lad for being late, especially in a healthy and constructive manner, you bloody sod!" And they suspended the teacher.
When you suspend or sue a teacher for menial things such as these, the ingrained manipulation in these...shitty little fucking brats (Americans, British...who fucking ever) heads. They can strip the teacher of power.
They strip the parents of power they should theoretically deserve. But every time some yuppie-spawn parent sues a teacher, it exploits how little respect they deserve from their child.
And it stems back to being pressured to marry young, procreate. Do it to, and if you don't...you fucking blew it.
But as I started out with, I have a theory. Man of Science coming through.
The way you can truly know the girl you're dating, who she really is...because face it. We all date our representatives. We may never meet the true party leader until Johnny Law shows up, and your trying to convince them you walked into that beer bottle flying through the air.
Watch her with her father.
How a girl acts with her father is how she truly is at her most uninhibited. If he neglected her, and she has daddy issues...watch how hard she tries to get his attention. Or how she tries to get the attention, be it negative or outlandish, or overtly synthetic.
If thats the case, shes most likely never going to be real with you. She will constantly do whatever it is she thinks you want, and eventually...as much as a heaven that sounds like, if you're a decent human being at all...that won't fly.
I dated a girl once who's father treated her like she was a son attempting to gain favor. Think Michael to George in Arrested Development. No matter how good the idea was, he always turned down the ideas to keep Michael hungry for acceptance.
Her father did the same to her. As a result, he tended show more favoritism towards his youngest, and it killed her.
In her life outside of home, she acted more like a chameleon, and unfortunately...I never got to know the real her. Whatever sect of friends she was with, she adopted that identity. I understand people tend to blend with their friends to be a bit more cohesive, but...she adapted and adopted each, and every one of their personalities.
Theres a flip side to this coin, though.
When a girl is truly happy, and has a healthy relationship with her father, it more often than not emanates in her true personality. You can see it in her smile, how she dedicates herself to her goals, and how she will treat you.
I've been lucky to've been blessed with an amazing step-father. My biological dad, I don't even know his name. There are no pictures of him.
But my step-father is better than most fathers, period. I hope, truly, one day I can be half as decent as he is. From this, I'm learning how to treat a woman properly.
He was never pressured to marry my mother. In fact, almost the opposite. But through it, they found true love on their own terms. It took them both a few tries, but they got it right.
For 20 years they've gotten it right.
And when you marry for the right reasons, you'll know it's true. It might not be easy, but it takes dedication to make anything worthwhile. Don't fret...love will find you.
But you have to observe. You have to watch. You have to study, and you have to communicate. Pride has no place in these situations. Love isn't a pissing match, and marriage shouldn't be a cage match for dominance.
But you have to take responsibility for your actions. Some of that requires you to cut your losses when the person your with isn't the one. A child won't save that. Passing the buck won't mask a dead relationship and shitty parenting. It only exploits a lack of a will to fight for something more.
When you rush something, when you aren't patient...you end up ruining years of your life, and another persons. You end up risking to ruin a child's life completely.
Patience really is a virtue.
Now, I don't have a very close relationship with my mother, but one of the most important pieces of advice I've ever received from anyone came from her: Never date a girl you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
And that most definitely applies to girls dating guys, too, I'm sure.
But a huge problem with why relationships fail, with why so many marriages fail is obvious: theres a breakdown in communication.
Things get rushed for numerous reasons. For example, America still tries to hold tight to its Puritanical roots. Everywhere you look; TV, Movies, Books, Advertisements, the Government, Churches, Parents, Friends and family all seem to be pressuring you to get married. Get married, settle down and have some kids.
It's subtle, but when you think about it...its actually pretty staggering.
Here, how many times have you heard this when you were a child from your parents, "Just wait til you have kids of your own," or, "I hope you have a child like you," and of course, "One day when your married you'll understand..."
How many Zales/Kay commercials have you seen, especially now during the Holidays til roughly February 15th. "Every kiss begins with K", "No you've got a friend in the diamond business."
Every bit of that is subtle pressure. But when you get older, you begin to feel that slightly more aggressive pinch when all your pals start growing up and settling down.
It's a proven fact that when something is rushed, the outcome will most likely not be savory, satisfactory or it might not even survive.
You give into all these pressures to alleviate the tension, and in the end it becomes a life suck. You have years of your youth sucked away, not to mention theirs.
And so much of this stems from dating someone without thinking about whom it is your crawling into bed with. But the thing is...so often it's nearly goddamned impossible to even figure out who it is sleeping next to you. You can live with someone for three years, and not know important, vital information of them.
It's because we don't know how to ask, and we don't know how to observe. Most importantly...we've lost the ability to communicate. To verbalize the internal structures of our insides. Why? So many of us have been hurt before. Everyone inevitably becomes, in some form or another, a type of 'damaged goods'. And that sucks, but life's fucked up. That just happens.
But it can cause division, when really all that person (or you) needs an adhesive.
Now granted, thats a hard concept to grasp. But it stems from responsibility, and unfortunately...most of this new generation has no fucking clue what that means. I'd like to say it isn't our fault. I'd like to place the blame on people, I'd like to place the blame on society...but the truth is, if any blame can be exchanged, if any buck can be passed then you first have to recognize that there is a problem.
And when you recognize there is a problem, you have to realize that you are continuing it. Future generations will judge us by how we dealt with the smallest of details. It's the Devil in detail will damn your soul when the final product is set.
But it's ingrained in us now to go with our knee-jerk reactions. No one wants to take responsibility for their actions. We raise a generation of kids who come from broken homes, and refuse to punish them for their transgressions.
Some of these seems so audacious that it couldn't possibly be true. Case in point, parents are suing a school because their children are sending each other nude photos.
Thats not even something I can wrap my head around.
And I truly believe it's because we succumb to the pressure, we refuse to stand up and take the responsibility...we refuse to communicate because "talky is hard. me no do so well." Fucking nations of imbeciles running wild at this point. Absolute imbeciles who think that going green is a sanctimonious action. This isn't just centralized to America, either.
I don't think teacher should be allowed to institute capital punishment. I feel thats at the parents sole discretion, and I believe the parent should have a right to discipline a child. The thing is, there isn't a fine line between discipline and abuse: Discipline is done with love to help correct an issue; abuse is when there is malice and intent to hurt a child.
But given that, teachers are the medium for parents. Teachers roles in society are wholly important, as they are expected to not only educate but instill a modicum of discipline and morality in a student.
They shouldn't be allowed to spank a child, no, but when a child acts out theres definitely a few problems: home life could not be so great, emotionally unstable, etc. However, kids do make mistakes.
But while American parents are trying to hold schools responsible for their children's need to act out in a sexual manner because thats what their swamped with all around. Look at Miley Cyrus. The little slut has been busted on NUMEROUS occasions for pushing the bounds of decency. And her "father" just allows it, because this harlot in training is bringing him money.
Why aren't Americans suing Miley Cyrus then? If we're going to be that outlandish, why aren't the guns pointed in her whorish direction? Shit, we used to burn chicks at the stake just in case they used a broom for anything other than sweeping.
But before we can necessarily scoff at America's practice, the rest of the world fails as well. Take ol' Mother Britain, for instance. A teacher sat his students down, and came up with an ingenious form of discipline for being tardy: push ups.
Push ups. Probably the healthiest thing in the world. It's something you can take with a grain of salt and humility, as well. It's kind of funny, but theres nothing malicious about this...in theory.
But British parents said, "Oi, fuck you prick! No ones going to punish my sweet lass/lad for being late, especially in a healthy and constructive manner, you bloody sod!" And they suspended the teacher.
When you suspend or sue a teacher for menial things such as these, the ingrained manipulation in these...shitty little fucking brats (Americans, British...who fucking ever) heads. They can strip the teacher of power.
They strip the parents of power they should theoretically deserve. But every time some yuppie-spawn parent sues a teacher, it exploits how little respect they deserve from their child.
And it stems back to being pressured to marry young, procreate. Do it to, and if you don't...you fucking blew it.
But as I started out with, I have a theory. Man of Science coming through.
The way you can truly know the girl you're dating, who she really is...because face it. We all date our representatives. We may never meet the true party leader until Johnny Law shows up, and your trying to convince them you walked into that beer bottle flying through the air.
Watch her with her father.
How a girl acts with her father is how she truly is at her most uninhibited. If he neglected her, and she has daddy issues...watch how hard she tries to get his attention. Or how she tries to get the attention, be it negative or outlandish, or overtly synthetic.
If thats the case, shes most likely never going to be real with you. She will constantly do whatever it is she thinks you want, and eventually...as much as a heaven that sounds like, if you're a decent human being at all...that won't fly.
I dated a girl once who's father treated her like she was a son attempting to gain favor. Think Michael to George in Arrested Development. No matter how good the idea was, he always turned down the ideas to keep Michael hungry for acceptance.
Her father did the same to her. As a result, he tended show more favoritism towards his youngest, and it killed her.
In her life outside of home, she acted more like a chameleon, and unfortunately...I never got to know the real her. Whatever sect of friends she was with, she adopted that identity. I understand people tend to blend with their friends to be a bit more cohesive, but...she adapted and adopted each, and every one of their personalities.
Theres a flip side to this coin, though.
When a girl is truly happy, and has a healthy relationship with her father, it more often than not emanates in her true personality. You can see it in her smile, how she dedicates herself to her goals, and how she will treat you.
I've been lucky to've been blessed with an amazing step-father. My biological dad, I don't even know his name. There are no pictures of him.
But my step-father is better than most fathers, period. I hope, truly, one day I can be half as decent as he is. From this, I'm learning how to treat a woman properly.
He was never pressured to marry my mother. In fact, almost the opposite. But through it, they found true love on their own terms. It took them both a few tries, but they got it right.
For 20 years they've gotten it right.
And when you marry for the right reasons, you'll know it's true. It might not be easy, but it takes dedication to make anything worthwhile. Don't fret...love will find you.
But you have to observe. You have to watch. You have to study, and you have to communicate. Pride has no place in these situations. Love isn't a pissing match, and marriage shouldn't be a cage match for dominance.
But you have to take responsibility for your actions. Some of that requires you to cut your losses when the person your with isn't the one. A child won't save that. Passing the buck won't mask a dead relationship and shitty parenting. It only exploits a lack of a will to fight for something more.
When you rush something, when you aren't patient...you end up ruining years of your life, and another persons. You end up risking to ruin a child's life completely.
Patience really is a virtue.
19.11.08
Declaration of Dependence
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The past few weeks in my life have been somewhat dominated by lengthy sessions of soul searching. The topics of the future, where I fit into relationships in my life, how people fit into relationships in my life, mental stability, etc.
I've never been a very open person with what I'm personally going through. It's all about comfort, and I don't think, in my entire life, I'd ever felt comfortable...
Until about a year ago.
2007 was, in retrospect, was a chaotic and confusing time...but it may've been the best year I've lived through.
I'd felt I'd found the person I'd want to go the distance with in 2005. A few days after my birthday, however, that all came crashing down. And I know, wah wah. Same old story with a slightly different tune.
But it's funny how things that happened in the past drastically alter your course in life. When she left, it hurt like hell. Absolute hell, and thats a story so many people go through. He left, she left, and it's weird. They still are in same town, so what did they actually leave?
A hole in your heart where the blood ran out, to quote AFI.
The beginning of 2007 saw me boarding a plane to California to get away for a little bit. Working a job that truly had no pertinence to humanity ("Data gathering", aka phone surveys. Yeah, boo hiss--I'm sorry I was part of that, but money is money).
I met some new friends, some that to this day are some of the closest I could ever have. And it takes times like those to put everything else into perspective, where you can just stand outside the ring of fire and see whats being burned, whats burnt, and what can still be salvaged.
Returning back to Arizona after this trip, I felt like I couldn't continue on. Three months later, I was on a plane to Albany, New York with everything I owned in four suitcases.
A few months later my father was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and it was time to come home.
When I came back, it was really hard for me to have any connection with anyone anymore. A lot of people who'd I'd considered life-long friends...well, unfortunately the expiration date had come on that.
But I'd been lucky enough to strengthen a bond with someone who'd, in a million years, I would have never been able to say, "This person won't shape my life. She will shape, and change it."
Everything about her screams at you to take notice. Every part of her is charismatic. Her trials and tribulations haven't crippled her, they've made her stronger, and to me thats certainly more than commendable. It's god damned inspirational.
My family life, outside of my step-father, isn't one of cohesion. My mother and I butt heads constantly, and I honestly feel little to no connection to her. As a result, while I'm not an emotionally void person...I'm a better listener than I am a sharing person. It's so hard for me to fully trust someone, because it's never really panned out for me. I know it's the same for so many people, and thats one of the biggest reasons for all the misery and sorrow in the world.
But it's arbitrary. These feelings aren't singular, and I don't feel like I'm alone in feeling this way, I don't want that to be the tone you might get from this.
But for me, it's gotten to the point where sometimes it honestly feels like make or break. I've watched my mother for the past 23 years slip further from sanity, and I can't help but think thats whats in store for me. The future scares the shit out of me.
So much so that it's begun to paralyze the present, which will most likely if continued, affect the future. The same future I've been scared of since day one. Irony is a bitch mistress.
And I've never been able to fully digest things happening with me. I threw myself deeper into writing, into music, into movies and comic books and friends dilemmas.
It's so weird, the role that women play in mens lives. Why? They are only human, they aren't Jesus Christ, they weren't devised to be a savior. They aren't the reason for the problems in the world, or anything like that. But for some reason, that link towards women, the draw and the need, and the pining...thats the most universal language. Theres not one being on this planet that is impervious to the devastation of destination heartbreak. I defy anyone to not have at least one scar from the wars waged in love and loss.
So it happens, and you feel is emptiness. A void, because you never once realized how truly worthless you were until that moment of vindication you had became absent.
And for me, I've never been able to open myself up completely. To ever face what I've personally faced again, I don't know if I have it in me to kick out one more time. For so long I've felt that I wouldn't ever be able to be that person who could actually say what was really on their mind, and not face immediate retribution, and thats such an awkward place to be in.
I truly believe the reason why so many people face the same road blocks in their lives is because they don't have that missing piece to the puzzle, or at least an extra leg to help them walk on. I'd always felt that way...
Until now.
I'm not a needy person, I don't constantly have to spew what I wish to eschew. What chews constantly, I'm not that guy and I never will be. But everyone wants something behind them, just in case. And until now, I'd never been able to accept that help because It'd always felt that accepting help meant accepting defeat in the same breath. And it's not that I'm overtly proud; I just don't want to inconvenience anyone. Everyone else has their own problems, and knowing me doesn't signify to me that they've signed up to shoulder my burdens as well.
But with her, oh my God...it never has felt like that. Theres a transition we all make, and for most it's so subtle you never realize it's happened. You may never, either. I might never have, either, until recently.
All it takes is for you to believe in someone, and for them to believe in you too. It's so hard to have faith in a person, and I think thats where faith in God comes into play. What you can't see, feel, touch or hold can't ever really let you down, can it?
But to roll that dice...theres such odds that it will come up snake eyes. But with her, it's never even been a thought. It's never been something I've questioned. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I have faith.
I think the world of her. And while I make a lot of stupid mistakes that drive her crazy, she's still there. I know deep in my heart I'd easily go to war for her. I love her with every ounce I can muster, and then some.
And to her I say thanks. I never want anyone I know to feel like I take our time together for granted. I've seen just how frail humanity can be, and I've seen how quickly things can change. And I know entirely, that whatever may come and whatever the future may hold for our friendship--good or bad, I've never been more lucky to've known someone. To be a minute pixilation in a picture in her life is better than merely observing the work in progress in passing.
For her, I'd weather whatever may come. It's a bit scary, but not in a negative way. Like riding the fastest roller coaster, and thats the best definition for how it is knowing her.
Her travels, her talents, her ambitions. Her way of handling the things that most people don't have the strength to even fathom, her humor and her intelligence...her wit, her observations and wisdom are astounding and awe-inspiring.
Where I was a year ago, I'd never have thought I'd be able to just look back at it and shrug. I'd never thought it'd no longer eat at me every moment. Now I'm grateful for it, more than any words could ever describe, because they've allowed me to see past the breakers and realize..."life's been good".
Thank you. God knows I'm fucked without you.
The past few weeks in my life have been somewhat dominated by lengthy sessions of soul searching. The topics of the future, where I fit into relationships in my life, how people fit into relationships in my life, mental stability, etc.
I've never been a very open person with what I'm personally going through. It's all about comfort, and I don't think, in my entire life, I'd ever felt comfortable...
Until about a year ago.
2007 was, in retrospect, was a chaotic and confusing time...but it may've been the best year I've lived through.
I'd felt I'd found the person I'd want to go the distance with in 2005. A few days after my birthday, however, that all came crashing down. And I know, wah wah. Same old story with a slightly different tune.
But it's funny how things that happened in the past drastically alter your course in life. When she left, it hurt like hell. Absolute hell, and thats a story so many people go through. He left, she left, and it's weird. They still are in same town, so what did they actually leave?
A hole in your heart where the blood ran out, to quote AFI.
The beginning of 2007 saw me boarding a plane to California to get away for a little bit. Working a job that truly had no pertinence to humanity ("Data gathering", aka phone surveys. Yeah, boo hiss--I'm sorry I was part of that, but money is money).
I met some new friends, some that to this day are some of the closest I could ever have. And it takes times like those to put everything else into perspective, where you can just stand outside the ring of fire and see whats being burned, whats burnt, and what can still be salvaged.
Returning back to Arizona after this trip, I felt like I couldn't continue on. Three months later, I was on a plane to Albany, New York with everything I owned in four suitcases.
A few months later my father was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and it was time to come home.
When I came back, it was really hard for me to have any connection with anyone anymore. A lot of people who'd I'd considered life-long friends...well, unfortunately the expiration date had come on that.
But I'd been lucky enough to strengthen a bond with someone who'd, in a million years, I would have never been able to say, "This person won't shape my life. She will shape, and change it."
Everything about her screams at you to take notice. Every part of her is charismatic. Her trials and tribulations haven't crippled her, they've made her stronger, and to me thats certainly more than commendable. It's god damned inspirational.
My family life, outside of my step-father, isn't one of cohesion. My mother and I butt heads constantly, and I honestly feel little to no connection to her. As a result, while I'm not an emotionally void person...I'm a better listener than I am a sharing person. It's so hard for me to fully trust someone, because it's never really panned out for me. I know it's the same for so many people, and thats one of the biggest reasons for all the misery and sorrow in the world.
But it's arbitrary. These feelings aren't singular, and I don't feel like I'm alone in feeling this way, I don't want that to be the tone you might get from this.
But for me, it's gotten to the point where sometimes it honestly feels like make or break. I've watched my mother for the past 23 years slip further from sanity, and I can't help but think thats whats in store for me. The future scares the shit out of me.
So much so that it's begun to paralyze the present, which will most likely if continued, affect the future. The same future I've been scared of since day one. Irony is a bitch mistress.
And I've never been able to fully digest things happening with me. I threw myself deeper into writing, into music, into movies and comic books and friends dilemmas.
It's so weird, the role that women play in mens lives. Why? They are only human, they aren't Jesus Christ, they weren't devised to be a savior. They aren't the reason for the problems in the world, or anything like that. But for some reason, that link towards women, the draw and the need, and the pining...thats the most universal language. Theres not one being on this planet that is impervious to the devastation of destination heartbreak. I defy anyone to not have at least one scar from the wars waged in love and loss.
So it happens, and you feel is emptiness. A void, because you never once realized how truly worthless you were until that moment of vindication you had became absent.
And for me, I've never been able to open myself up completely. To ever face what I've personally faced again, I don't know if I have it in me to kick out one more time. For so long I've felt that I wouldn't ever be able to be that person who could actually say what was really on their mind, and not face immediate retribution, and thats such an awkward place to be in.
I truly believe the reason why so many people face the same road blocks in their lives is because they don't have that missing piece to the puzzle, or at least an extra leg to help them walk on. I'd always felt that way...
Until now.
I'm not a needy person, I don't constantly have to spew what I wish to eschew. What chews constantly, I'm not that guy and I never will be. But everyone wants something behind them, just in case. And until now, I'd never been able to accept that help because It'd always felt that accepting help meant accepting defeat in the same breath. And it's not that I'm overtly proud; I just don't want to inconvenience anyone. Everyone else has their own problems, and knowing me doesn't signify to me that they've signed up to shoulder my burdens as well.
But with her, oh my God...it never has felt like that. Theres a transition we all make, and for most it's so subtle you never realize it's happened. You may never, either. I might never have, either, until recently.
All it takes is for you to believe in someone, and for them to believe in you too. It's so hard to have faith in a person, and I think thats where faith in God comes into play. What you can't see, feel, touch or hold can't ever really let you down, can it?
But to roll that dice...theres such odds that it will come up snake eyes. But with her, it's never even been a thought. It's never been something I've questioned. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I have faith.
I think the world of her. And while I make a lot of stupid mistakes that drive her crazy, she's still there. I know deep in my heart I'd easily go to war for her. I love her with every ounce I can muster, and then some.
And to her I say thanks. I never want anyone I know to feel like I take our time together for granted. I've seen just how frail humanity can be, and I've seen how quickly things can change. And I know entirely, that whatever may come and whatever the future may hold for our friendship--good or bad, I've never been more lucky to've known someone. To be a minute pixilation in a picture in her life is better than merely observing the work in progress in passing.
For her, I'd weather whatever may come. It's a bit scary, but not in a negative way. Like riding the fastest roller coaster, and thats the best definition for how it is knowing her.
Her travels, her talents, her ambitions. Her way of handling the things that most people don't have the strength to even fathom, her humor and her intelligence...her wit, her observations and wisdom are astounding and awe-inspiring.
Where I was a year ago, I'd never have thought I'd be able to just look back at it and shrug. I'd never thought it'd no longer eat at me every moment. Now I'm grateful for it, more than any words could ever describe, because they've allowed me to see past the breakers and realize..."life's been good".
Thank you. God knows I'm fucked without you.
18.11.08
Mike Rowe Files For Unemployment.
Throughout my life, I've had notoriously bad luck with girls, but I've also noticed that with each folly I've learned something important.
Case in point: Fooling around with a girl on a bus heading towards church camp...It's probably not the best idea you could have. If you live at home with your parents, maybe buy a lock.
But I've learned that no matter how good things are going one moment, theres always another side to that coin. And when that other face rears it's ugly head (or tails), you better be somewhat prepared.
Sure, one moment you're drunkenly having sex on a friends bathroom floor, and shes saying you feel like God, but in the next moment you find out that...shit, shes an atheist.
I always thought I would be able to shake off the constraints I have about girls. The thing is, as I get older, they only get worse. My wanton love love for movies, comic books, video games, science, comic books and desire to punch George Lucas in the throat for what he's doing to my child hood have pretty much solidified me into a specific group. An elite group, filled with the brightest, strongest...okay, well, nerds.
Need a reference from a 1980's comedy flick? My name is Zuul. Need a Simpsons quote at the drop of a hat? I'll qygibxo you good.
And I find it remarkable I've even had as much sex as I've had. But one thing thats always surprised me, is the ease with which other guys my age seem to have in getting women.
It's like during high school, one of the numerous times I ditched, that was the day they gathered up all the guys and told them what to do.
For the past few years, since The 40 Year Old Virgin, I've had friends who've watched that make the comparison between Andy, and I.
"How so?"
"Well you have little collectibles. How many movies do you have? Whens the last time you left your house for something besides work or grocery shopping?"
"Come on, that could be anyone."
"You definitely put the pussy on the pedestal."
And before I can stop myself, I find myself saying, "What does that even mean?"
So the past few months I've been working on it. It's been nearly a year since I've tested the waters, if you will. So I started thinking like a scientist. What am I doing wrong, here. What have I learned, what process should I be taking.
I have a friend who's a girl, very attractive...all of that. One of the coolest things about her is her mentality, when it comes to sex. She has the mentality, and I mean this in the most sincere and complimentary way, the mentality of a guy who is single, who used to be a frat boy quarterback, and now continuously is smooth with the opposite sex. And it astounds me to no end.
Her advice would be to simply sack up, and do it. Simple as that. Yet to me, it seems like Stevie Wonder has a better chance at sight than I do being able to ever just "do it."
But I've learned a lot from this girl. A lot that maybe I should have learned growing up, but was too busy debating music or Simpsons episodes. Truth is, I just don't have that "it". What ever "it" is, I lack it, and I wish there was some sort of diagram that led you to the promised land.
But what I've learned from her is valuable.
I've learned when I'm nervous, the part of my brain that normally would tell me to 'think' and 'edit' what I'm about to say completely shuts off.
It only took countless (debatable) faux pas about her ethnicity, pondering if I had too much clothing during a very heart-felt moment, accidentally suggesting mob-like brutality on her pet hermit crab, insinuating she was somehow 'over-the'hill' and continuously frustrating her to points of near mental breakdown to realize that: I don't know how to talk to women. I don't know anything about them. I know more about thermodynamics than I do about the workings of the girl psyche. And sadly, thats very, very true.
So I've begun to work on that. I began calculating all the information I'd learned from previous girls, and I realized I've learned quite a bit and didn't even notice. Kind of like in Hospitality class.
I've learned if a girl has a piercing below the equator...well, she's not the girl you want to introduce to your parents. I've learned that girls are excellent liars. They can tell you nothing is wrong with a smile on their face, and begin to hate your guts while you think everything is hunky-god-damned-dory.
I've learned that they are much...much smarter than men. They've learned, early on, while we were out doing 'manly things' like inventing the wheel, or fighting a war or purifying salt water that just like the President of the United States, while he is the face of government, that the true power lays deep....deep behind the mask.
I know when it happened, too. It was during one of those times menfolk thought they were out "shoe shopping", they were gathering together plotting and planning their next moves.
I might sound like a paranoid fool, but put it into perspective: Who really needs that many shoes. Look in a girls closet. Forty pairs of things they have never, ever worn. Thats forty meetings they had, talking about you.
What proof do I have? Simple.
Males have turned a peanut into butter, they've turned dinosaur grease into fuel, they've made it possible for 2000 tons of steel float on water. All commendable accomplishments...except men also will wear a pair of underwear until it's six threads and half a button left, as long as the elastic still...elastifies. While we were too lazy to get up, walk six feet and change a channel, women figured out the flaws in logic we have.
There is no cure for the common cold, but there is a pill to make an impotent man Ron Jeremy's stand in. Our priorities are skewed, and women realized this. We think with our "intuition".
I guarantee you a girl came up with the concept of a blow job. It's too simple for man to think of. I also bet a woman came up with the idea for GPS.
It went something like this: A girl didn't know what to get her man, because he's already got a remote and microwave. She knew what lengths men would go to for any kind of release.
I mean, masturbating? I've done my fair share of Assassinating JFK, but it recently struck me that if you have to use lotion to do it...it's something that shouldn't naturally happen.
And a girl realized this too, and she realized it during her monthlies.
A woman also got tired of a man not asking for directions, but realized his love of gadgetry. Garmin!
I've also learned girls also mean more than what they say. A whole...lot...more.
Whats on your mind? "Nothing". Lies, lies...lies. She's probably pissed, and she's probably pissed at you for not knowing.
It's like that saying, "Feed them shit and leave them in the dark."
Theres a reason why terms like "pussy-whipped" exist, and there really isn't much of a proper equivalent.
Ever run into a wild guy friend you had in high school, or college? Always drinking, partying, a million girls and always up for a good time. You run into him years later, and he's married with a kid and he's not at all like the person of old? Thats because of her. And I'm not saying thats a bad thing, sometimes that needs to happen.
But I've learned that girls won't tell you whats on your mind. Why? Why all these game playing? Well, it's because, knuckle-head, that she cares about you a lot at the moment in time and you should recognize that. How do I figure? Because YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THE PRESSURES SHE GOES THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS, and when it gets to the point where all she does is want to shut up about it and not have to consume another portion of her life, then you should shut up and probably buy her something like flowers. Immediately, if not sooner.
For the love of God, don't press the issue. She'll come to you when shes ready to talk about something.
But I've also learned that girls will harbor resentment until the end of time. You could date a girl, piss her off and not realize it, break up with her and think thats it. Guess what? She still hates your guts, she still tells all her friends and THEY hate your guts.
If you fuck up badly enough with a girl, and you don't rectify the situation...you might as well move to the next city over, because that pool is no longer willing to let you swim in it.
Some girls just aren't worth your time, my God there are others so much better than the one who you think, not know, but think is the only one. You want what you can't have, like a baby only wants it's ball when it's taken away.
Every girl, even your little love dumpling, wants to fuck Josh Hartnett. Theres nothing you can do about it besides rent "Lucky Number Slevin" or "Pearl Harbor" and hope for the best.
She's never that drunk.
You're never that good.
She's never, ever unprepared for dire situations.
You'd better get prepared.
If she's a little bit young, it might seem fun...but it is not worth the hassle. Trust me.
She's had her fair share of discretionary events. Unlike you, however, not everyone knows.
Never, ever call her the name of an ex-girlfriend during an intimate exchange and expect that relationship to last.
She has just the same right to have sex with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. Get past that if she's with you. If she weren't interested, she'd still be looking for her panties on the dorm lawn. And no, it isn't settling if she chooses to stay with you...just shut up.
Just shut up.
You think you're right?
Shut up.
And most importantly...listen to her.
Confidence will get you places. Like they say in Hollywood, fake it til you make it.
Unfortunately, I'm not good enough to follow my own advice.
Case in point: Fooling around with a girl on a bus heading towards church camp...It's probably not the best idea you could have. If you live at home with your parents, maybe buy a lock.
But I've learned that no matter how good things are going one moment, theres always another side to that coin. And when that other face rears it's ugly head (or tails), you better be somewhat prepared.
Sure, one moment you're drunkenly having sex on a friends bathroom floor, and shes saying you feel like God, but in the next moment you find out that...shit, shes an atheist.
I always thought I would be able to shake off the constraints I have about girls. The thing is, as I get older, they only get worse. My wanton love love for movies, comic books, video games, science, comic books and desire to punch George Lucas in the throat for what he's doing to my child hood have pretty much solidified me into a specific group. An elite group, filled with the brightest, strongest...okay, well, nerds.
Need a reference from a 1980's comedy flick? My name is Zuul. Need a Simpsons quote at the drop of a hat? I'll qygibxo you good.
And I find it remarkable I've even had as much sex as I've had. But one thing thats always surprised me, is the ease with which other guys my age seem to have in getting women.
It's like during high school, one of the numerous times I ditched, that was the day they gathered up all the guys and told them what to do.
For the past few years, since The 40 Year Old Virgin, I've had friends who've watched that make the comparison between Andy, and I.
"How so?"
"Well you have little collectibles. How many movies do you have? Whens the last time you left your house for something besides work or grocery shopping?"
"Come on, that could be anyone."
"You definitely put the pussy on the pedestal."
And before I can stop myself, I find myself saying, "What does that even mean?"
So the past few months I've been working on it. It's been nearly a year since I've tested the waters, if you will. So I started thinking like a scientist. What am I doing wrong, here. What have I learned, what process should I be taking.
I have a friend who's a girl, very attractive...all of that. One of the coolest things about her is her mentality, when it comes to sex. She has the mentality, and I mean this in the most sincere and complimentary way, the mentality of a guy who is single, who used to be a frat boy quarterback, and now continuously is smooth with the opposite sex. And it astounds me to no end.
Her advice would be to simply sack up, and do it. Simple as that. Yet to me, it seems like Stevie Wonder has a better chance at sight than I do being able to ever just "do it."
But I've learned a lot from this girl. A lot that maybe I should have learned growing up, but was too busy debating music or Simpsons episodes. Truth is, I just don't have that "it". What ever "it" is, I lack it, and I wish there was some sort of diagram that led you to the promised land.
But what I've learned from her is valuable.
I've learned when I'm nervous, the part of my brain that normally would tell me to 'think' and 'edit' what I'm about to say completely shuts off.
It only took countless (debatable) faux pas about her ethnicity, pondering if I had too much clothing during a very heart-felt moment, accidentally suggesting mob-like brutality on her pet hermit crab, insinuating she was somehow 'over-the'hill' and continuously frustrating her to points of near mental breakdown to realize that: I don't know how to talk to women. I don't know anything about them. I know more about thermodynamics than I do about the workings of the girl psyche. And sadly, thats very, very true.
So I've begun to work on that. I began calculating all the information I'd learned from previous girls, and I realized I've learned quite a bit and didn't even notice. Kind of like in Hospitality class.
I've learned if a girl has a piercing below the equator...well, she's not the girl you want to introduce to your parents. I've learned that girls are excellent liars. They can tell you nothing is wrong with a smile on their face, and begin to hate your guts while you think everything is hunky-god-damned-dory.
I've learned that they are much...much smarter than men. They've learned, early on, while we were out doing 'manly things' like inventing the wheel, or fighting a war or purifying salt water that just like the President of the United States, while he is the face of government, that the true power lays deep....deep behind the mask.
I know when it happened, too. It was during one of those times menfolk thought they were out "shoe shopping", they were gathering together plotting and planning their next moves.
I might sound like a paranoid fool, but put it into perspective: Who really needs that many shoes. Look in a girls closet. Forty pairs of things they have never, ever worn. Thats forty meetings they had, talking about you.
What proof do I have? Simple.
Males have turned a peanut into butter, they've turned dinosaur grease into fuel, they've made it possible for 2000 tons of steel float on water. All commendable accomplishments...except men also will wear a pair of underwear until it's six threads and half a button left, as long as the elastic still...elastifies. While we were too lazy to get up, walk six feet and change a channel, women figured out the flaws in logic we have.
There is no cure for the common cold, but there is a pill to make an impotent man Ron Jeremy's stand in. Our priorities are skewed, and women realized this. We think with our "intuition".
I guarantee you a girl came up with the concept of a blow job. It's too simple for man to think of. I also bet a woman came up with the idea for GPS.
It went something like this: A girl didn't know what to get her man, because he's already got a remote and microwave. She knew what lengths men would go to for any kind of release.
I mean, masturbating? I've done my fair share of Assassinating JFK, but it recently struck me that if you have to use lotion to do it...it's something that shouldn't naturally happen.
And a girl realized this too, and she realized it during her monthlies.
A woman also got tired of a man not asking for directions, but realized his love of gadgetry. Garmin!
I've also learned girls also mean more than what they say. A whole...lot...more.
Whats on your mind? "Nothing". Lies, lies...lies. She's probably pissed, and she's probably pissed at you for not knowing.
It's like that saying, "Feed them shit and leave them in the dark."
Theres a reason why terms like "pussy-whipped" exist, and there really isn't much of a proper equivalent.
Ever run into a wild guy friend you had in high school, or college? Always drinking, partying, a million girls and always up for a good time. You run into him years later, and he's married with a kid and he's not at all like the person of old? Thats because of her. And I'm not saying thats a bad thing, sometimes that needs to happen.
But I've learned that girls won't tell you whats on your mind. Why? Why all these game playing? Well, it's because, knuckle-head, that she cares about you a lot at the moment in time and you should recognize that. How do I figure? Because YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THE PRESSURES SHE GOES THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS, and when it gets to the point where all she does is want to shut up about it and not have to consume another portion of her life, then you should shut up and probably buy her something like flowers. Immediately, if not sooner.
For the love of God, don't press the issue. She'll come to you when shes ready to talk about something.
But I've also learned that girls will harbor resentment until the end of time. You could date a girl, piss her off and not realize it, break up with her and think thats it. Guess what? She still hates your guts, she still tells all her friends and THEY hate your guts.
If you fuck up badly enough with a girl, and you don't rectify the situation...you might as well move to the next city over, because that pool is no longer willing to let you swim in it.
Some girls just aren't worth your time, my God there are others so much better than the one who you think, not know, but think is the only one. You want what you can't have, like a baby only wants it's ball when it's taken away.
Every girl, even your little love dumpling, wants to fuck Josh Hartnett. Theres nothing you can do about it besides rent "Lucky Number Slevin" or "Pearl Harbor" and hope for the best.
She's never that drunk.
You're never that good.
She's never, ever unprepared for dire situations.
You'd better get prepared.
If she's a little bit young, it might seem fun...but it is not worth the hassle. Trust me.
She's had her fair share of discretionary events. Unlike you, however, not everyone knows.
Never, ever call her the name of an ex-girlfriend during an intimate exchange and expect that relationship to last.
She has just the same right to have sex with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. Get past that if she's with you. If she weren't interested, she'd still be looking for her panties on the dorm lawn. And no, it isn't settling if she chooses to stay with you...just shut up.
Just shut up.
You think you're right?
Shut up.
And most importantly...listen to her.
Confidence will get you places. Like they say in Hollywood, fake it til you make it.
Unfortunately, I'm not good enough to follow my own advice.
3.11.08
Glenn Danzig's Glass Jaw.
In 24 hours, America begins the end of it's two year long tap dance to choose the next leader.
The rest of the world sits on the cusp of page thats deciding if it will turn, or not. America may either go forward, or choose to attempt to stay in the old way of things and find a way to rectify the problems that have become so prevalent.
Regardless of who is chosen to lead this country, they need to realize that lives are at stake. That the past eight years, there has been more upheaval world wide than in recent memory.
The next leader needs to realize the Western Civilization is on the cusp of another Great Depression, and as history as taught us, World War is the only way to rectify, fully, a depression, and the tasks in front of us all are daunting.
It's sink or swim. Plain, and simply put we're in a do or die situation.
So it's up to Americans to vote and raise some concerns, yes, but it doesn't end there. These problems won't relent as soon as the next man takes helm at the Oval Office. We have to keep on this. Nothing will get done if you don't keep at the grindstone, even is it might cost you everything.
People want a change. They strive for a better future for themselves, and their children. It's a very noble thing to want, but these things will not happen without blood, sweat, and tears.
The competition has to stop. Differences are meaningless, because it's different variable that make everyday life worth living. Red state, blue state...mix it together and you get purple. We're all bruised from life...it's time we learn to heal together. For a house divided will crumble upon itself, so shall a people. But if the people are united, then they become something stronger than impenetrable.
But more important than the Presidential election, is the initiative portion of the ballot. Pay close attention, make sure not to skip over it. It's very important. More important than what happens in DC, because these are your own back yard.
So go out and vote, yeah. But don't think it's over after tomorrow. Life doesn't go on pause for four years until the next election, thats how these problems arose in the first place.
The rest of the world sits on the cusp of page thats deciding if it will turn, or not. America may either go forward, or choose to attempt to stay in the old way of things and find a way to rectify the problems that have become so prevalent.
Regardless of who is chosen to lead this country, they need to realize that lives are at stake. That the past eight years, there has been more upheaval world wide than in recent memory.
The next leader needs to realize the Western Civilization is on the cusp of another Great Depression, and as history as taught us, World War is the only way to rectify, fully, a depression, and the tasks in front of us all are daunting.
It's sink or swim. Plain, and simply put we're in a do or die situation.
So it's up to Americans to vote and raise some concerns, yes, but it doesn't end there. These problems won't relent as soon as the next man takes helm at the Oval Office. We have to keep on this. Nothing will get done if you don't keep at the grindstone, even is it might cost you everything.
People want a change. They strive for a better future for themselves, and their children. It's a very noble thing to want, but these things will not happen without blood, sweat, and tears.
The competition has to stop. Differences are meaningless, because it's different variable that make everyday life worth living. Red state, blue state...mix it together and you get purple. We're all bruised from life...it's time we learn to heal together. For a house divided will crumble upon itself, so shall a people. But if the people are united, then they become something stronger than impenetrable.
But more important than the Presidential election, is the initiative portion of the ballot. Pay close attention, make sure not to skip over it. It's very important. More important than what happens in DC, because these are your own back yard.
So go out and vote, yeah. But don't think it's over after tomorrow. Life doesn't go on pause for four years until the next election, thats how these problems arose in the first place.
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